What does crazy monkey gurl mean?
Crazymonkeygurlism can mean (i.) animals belonging to the species inconcinnus of the genus Homo or (ii.) a philosophy of the body, the mind, the consciousness and the soul epitomized by Homo inconcinnus and often adopted by Homo sapiens. From the Midwestern school of thought, Crazymonkeygurlism embraces those ideologies that the centralized leadership deems most desirable and/or amusing. As a philosophy, Crazymonkeygurlism is merely a way of understanding the world and a subset of people therein and not a prescriptive code of behavior or religion. Crazy monkey gurls, therefore, come in all shapes and sizes, ages and races.

Where does the name crazy monkey gurl come from?
The etymology of the moniker is deliberately vague. I’d like to keep it that way.

How do I know if I am a crazy monkey gurl?
Clinical diagnosis of Crazymonkeygurlism requires either a blood test or the observed presence of four of the following seven criteria, continuously for a period of more than six months:

1. an inexplicable affinity for Duran Duran (no, an embarrassed appreciation for “Rio” does not count…everyone likes that song, deal with it)
2. an ardent belief that there are not just two kinds of anything (a view often articulated as, “there are only two kinds of _______ in this world”)*
3. an irony-to-sincerity (ITS) ratio of no more than 1:4, excepting instances of dealing with stupid Homo sapiens, in which cases an ITS ratio of 1:3.5 is is the acceptable threshold**
4. a history of minor incontinence due to low-level anxiety (e.g., while playing Hide and Seek), hilarity (this might also be evidenced in explosions of imbibed fluids through the nasal cavity), or other such strong emotion
5. lives in a home equipped with two of the following:
   • one large piece of upholstered furniture that is red, green (excluding the shades of olive, forest and celadon), orange, purple, or faux animal print
   • one room painted navy blue, red, black, or with hand-stenciled stripes
   • a parakeet
   • an alphabetized CD, DVD, book, or U.S. state spoon collection
   • three or more books on the occult and twenty or more books on arts and crafts
6. is considered by at least 7 out of 10 people over 70 to be “the bee’s knees” or “spunky”
7. has never visited Las Vegas and, thus, never needed to leave Las Vegas***

Anecdotally, in my experience, most people who have wondered “Could I be a crazy monkey gurl?” find, after proper clinical assessment, that they are indeed crazy monkey gurls.

* Having ever used the words “women” or “men” in this phrase is immediate disqualification for a diagnosis of Crazymonkeygurlism.
** An ITS ratio of 1:9 or less for a period of one or more years is sufficient evidence, independent of other criteria, for a diagnosis of Crazymonkeygurlism.
*** Criterion 7 only applies to visits for the purposes of tourism. People from Las Vegas and those who have visited for family, medical or metaphysical reasons may be determined to be possessed of criterion 7. A person who has visited Las Vegas for the purpose of becoming engaged, getting married, taking a honeymoon, or participating in a reality television show, should first be assessed by a specialist for Somethingterriblywrongism. A diagnosis of Crazymonkeygurlism should only be given once Somethingterriblywrongism has been ruled out and if the individual shows evidence of all of the remaining six criteria listed above.

Can a man be a crazy monkey gurl?
Like all mammalian species, crazy monkey gurls (Homo inconcinnus) can be either male or female. However, because of the perceived femininity of the species’ common name, it is infrequent that males of the species voluntarily identify themselves as such. Such men may respond more positively to the acronym CMG. A few indications that a man is a CMG or adheres to the CMG philosophical tenets are:

• an unabashed affinity for pop culture usually labeled with the prefix “chick” (i.e., chick-lit, chick-flick, etc., e.g., Dawson’s Creek and Bridget Jones’s Diary)
• an (again, unabashed) affinity for drinks with umbrellas, diving plastic toys, cherries, or other exotic fruit
• rarely utters the phrases “Dude,” “Brothah,” or “Sweet” unless accompanied by a knowing smile and a twinkle in the eye*
• would never pluck, tweeze, or otherwise tamper with his god-given eyebrows, but the fact that he has such an ardent opinion on the subject implies that he has given it considerable thought

Please remember, these are only anecdotal examples of common CMG traits in men and should not be used for a definitive determination in place of a clinical diagnosis. CMG men may have none of these traits, and a man may have all of them and not, in fact, be a CMG.

* Race and region of origin can cause considerable variation in this behavior (see What does crazy monkey gurl mean? above).

CMG men sound gay. What’s the difference between a CMG man and a gay man?
Crazymonkeygurlism can be found in men (and women) who are straight or gay. The golden rule is: Straight CMG men enjoy physical intimacy with women. Gay CMG men enjoy physical intimacy with men. CMG men who enjoy intimate physical relations with men and women are called bisexual in common parlance. As far as I know, identifying the gender(s) of the person or persons that an individual beds is the only reliable way to determine sexual orientation, in CMGs and Homo sapiens alike. Any other method is a guess, at best, a projection of deep-seated emotional insecurity and gender confusion, at worst.

Can CMGs and Homo sapiens mate?
CMG on HS action is quite common, often unbeknownst to either party. Studies have not yet been performed to demonstrate the effect on offspring, if any.

Is CMG on HS action considered bestiality?
In answering this question, I will use the less loaded term zoophilia in place of bestiality. Zoophilia is defined as “the affinity or sexual attraction by a human for a non-human animal” (Wikipedia) and lacks the connotation of cultural disapproval implicit in the term bestiality. In more specific terms, one might describe zoophilia as an interspecies sexual relationship. Explicitly, though, zoophilia describes a human sexual attraction to dogs, horses and other animals not in the genus Homo. Strictly speaking, these are intergenera relationships not interspecies. In fact, in the cases of dogs and horses, Homo sapiens are of differing families and orders as well as genera and species. This overgeneralization has been widely accepted, even in the scientific community, because, until recently, it was believed that all species within the genus Homo other than Homo sapien were extinct. Therefore, by definition, any Homo sapien attracted to an animal outside his species was attracted to an animal from another genus. With the recent discovery of the crazy monkey gurl (Homo inconcinnus), however, we now know that a Homo sapien may engage in an interspecies sexual relationship without engaging in an intergenera relationship. This would be analogous to sexual congress between a horse (Equus caballus) and a donkey (Equus asinus) or a wolf (Canis lupus) and a coyote (Canis latrans), which would hardly meet the implied definition of zoophilia. Of course, there are those who consider anything but HS on HS action “dirty” or “wrong.” There was a time too, though, that many (even educated) people considered interracial sexual relationships an aberration, which the vast majority (and, incidentally, all CMGs) now deem utter nonsense.

So are crazy monkey gurls human?
Okay, this is becoming tiresome. CMGs (Homo inconcinnus) and “humans” (Homo sapiens) are both of the genus Homo, a Latin term meaning man. Whether or not one would define CGMs as people, humans, or other such generic words of classification depends upon the accepted definition of those words. Due to the very recent discovery of Homo inconcinnus and its inclusion in the scientific taxonomy, most recognized dictionaries and semantic resources have not yet updated their definitions of these terms to allow for the inclusion of CMGs. This Web site uses the terms people, humans, men, women, their singular forms, and other such generic terminology to refer to all members of the genus Homo.

This is not a forum for discussing the existence of, political implications of, or philosophical questions posed by the inclusion of Homo inconcinnus in the taxonomical canon. See the newsgroup alt.bogus.sci for discussions of this nature.