Dear Woman Who Works Four Cubes Over,

I’d like to congratulate you on your pert posterior. I never really noticed it until today, when I found myself trailing you in the hallway for a good 20 yards. I mean, it’s no Kim Kardashian ass, but it is tight, in proportion to your generally petite frame and not without a pleasant plump. I will even go so far as to admit that I enjoyed walking behind you, and I now hold you in slightly higher esteem than I did previously.

All this being said, I have one complaint I’d like to lodge. Full underwear? Frankly, my view was marred by the ensuing panty line.

I know what you’re probably thinking … But thongs are so uncomfortable. I hear where you are coming from, I really do. The comfort defense is only partially valid, though, and here’s why. When you first started wearing a bra, it was uncomfortable, right? But you wore it, because it was the right thing to do. No one wants to look at your tatas swinging in the breeze. Well, same goes for your segmented ass cheeks, I’m afraid.

I’m not gonna lie and tell you thongs are the most comfortable things on earth, but you do get used to them. Furthermore, there are many styles to choose from, including ones that have less of the anal floss thing going on. Don’t be afraid to shop around. (My personal favorite is the Tanga cut … a thong-boy short hybrid type of thing.) Of course, there’s always the option of wearing less form-fitting pants, but I can’t say I’m a proponent of this tact. A bangin’ ass is a terrible thing to waste, my sister.

It is the twenty-first century, after all. We have the technology. We live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world. Simply put, there is no excuse for a modern American woman, such as yourself, to have a panty line in this day and age.

Sincerely,
Your Concerned Coworker