Yesterday I was home sick from work. I watched me a little Beverly Hills 90210, ya know, on Soap Net. I napped a little. But even with this busy schedule, I became a smidge bored. So I did what I do sometimes to entertain myself … I posted an ad in craigslist’s w4m section and then enjoyed reading through the responses. All right, I’m totally breaking the girl code of ethics to admit this. Guys fear it, and, yes, it’s true … we sometimes post just for shits and giggles. (Okay, sometimes we post looking for meaningless sex, but 7 times out of 10, it’s just out of sheer boredom.)

Anyhoo, yesterday I posted this ad:

I’m a b*tch - 34

I’m a tease; I’m a goddess on my knees; When you hurt, when you suffer; I’m your angel undercover; I’ve been numb, I’m revived; Can’t say I’m not alive; You know I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Okay, not the most inspired hook (or song) ever, but I am a bit of a spitfire. You should know that up front. If you’re looking for a nice, normal girl next door, I know lots of em I’d be happy to introduce you to. That’s just not me.

I don’t own a pink Sox hat or watch Grey’s Anatomy, and I most certainly don’t dream of a McMansion in Wellesley. No, I’d rather go to roller derby. I download torrents of Entourage and Battlestar Galactica, and I fantasize about having a yurt on a lake somewhere.

…

Yada yada.

The responses rolled in, and I whiled away the afternoon reading them. Then this morning I got a response that read, in its entirety:

“Prozac or Zanex will help!”

I don’t know if I was feeling particularly cranky because I was still sick and had to go into work anyway or what, but it really got my Irish up. As I showered, I mentally drafted the perfect reply to the man only known to me as BNF61. I shot it off before I left for work, not really expecting a reply. When I got to work, though, I saw that the e-mail had bounced. The fucking smart ass had been too much of a pussy to even use a real e-mail address! Too perfect.

Naturally, I did what any bitch worth her weight in psychotropic meds would do … I posted my reply on craigslist.

Dear BNF61

Dear BNF61, aka the dude who’s too wimpy to write an e-mail using a real e-mail address,

Thanks for the tip, but next time I need stupid medical advice I’ll ask a rodeo clown or a chimp that knows sign language or something. See Prozac is used for depression and *Xanax* (not Zanex) is prescribed for anxiety, neither of which are indicated in my post. If there were a pill to make smart, vivacious women suddenly become boring prigs, I’d probably start a blog to warn everyone about it. Since you seem to prefer your women medicated, though, might I recommend Rohypnol? Maybe unconscious women won’t realize what a dumbass you are. Then again, I make no guarantees.

—

By this time, I had taken down my original post—having actual work to keep me occupied. Even without benefit of the original post or any backstory at all, about two dozen very sweet men wrote to give props, ask me out, etc.

Now I wonder if the best w4m ad isn’t an imaginary caustic response to some imaginary retard. Hmm.