I’m not a princess who is looking for a gentleman to spoil, save or otherwise improve her. Girl … guy? Fine by me. Chick … dude? Sure. Mujer … hombre? Muy bueno. Sub … dom? Uh, not my thing, but whatever. The last time someone called me princess, though, I was four, it was my dad, and I bitch slapped him and screamed ‘Grow up!’

Hypothesis 1: If you think this is all a matter of semantics, if you don’t know what semantics means, or if you’re not sure whether I’m kidding about bitch slapping my dad, probability suggests this is not the blog for you.

In spite of all the anti-princess rhetoric, I am solidly on the girly-girl end of the spectrum.

Hypothesis 2: If that leaves you incredulous or if you think that incredulous means “super incredible,” probability suggests that you are not in the CMGs Unite target demographic.

Though not technically required to support life, hearty laughter is highly desirable in my view. So much so that no less than 43 percent of my waking time is spent seeking such amusement as might induce live-action lol, snorting, or … best of all … that doubled-over, so-hard-you-can’t-produce-sound kind of laughing that makes tears stream down your face.

Hypothesis 3: If the idea of snorting makes you crinkle your nose or the last time you were doubled over, unable to produce sound, with tears streaming down your face was when your ex kicked you in the crotch, probability suggests that CMGs Unite will block your IP/file a restraining order within three weeks. (No, the funny stories will not make it all worthwhile in the end.)

I’m prone to hyperbole, word play and general smart-assedness. Sometimes I write because I enjoy the sound of my own typing and talk because I enjoy the sound of my own voice. I like getting as good as I give.

Hypothesis 4: If you smiled as you read any part of this blog, probability suggests you’re a little touched, just like me. Don’t expect me to aid in your defense when the fuzz haul you to the pokey. If you’ve laughed, even a little, god help you. Seriously. Oh, and keep reading.